Fake Trades Less Egregious than Carson Palmer to the Raiders

Those of you who don’t spend all day reading ESPN.com in your boxers may not be aware that the Oakland Raiders and Cincinnati Bengals are on the verge of completing a trade-bortion that could send two first round picks (the second first rounder is conditional) to Cincinnati in exchange for Carson Palmer’s bloated corpse.Given that this is quite possibly the most stunning example of trade rape in NFL history, we’ve decided to run a special edition of our NFL picks column to analyze the trade as well as throw out some ridiculous trade scenarios that are less egregious than Palmer to the Raiders.

Asif: I knew Al Davis wasn’t dead! Can we agree that if Raider’s fans were literate, the internet would be broken right now?

Ryan: I feel like he engineered this trade before his death and the current administration had to go through with it to honor his dying wish.

Asif: Possibly, I’m going to stick to my theory that he’s a vampire. What’s the most absurd part of this trade for you? For me it has to be in this order:

1. A FIRST ROUND PICK FOR CARSON PALMER
2. The Bengals winning a trade.
3. The fact that Jason Campbell could conceivably be back at some point
4. A FIRST ROUND PICK FOR CARSON PALMER (it just bears repeating)

Ryan: As Gregg Rosenthal noted, the Raiders have now used their 2012 1st on Palmer, 3rd on Pryor, and 4th on Campbell. Albert Breer tweeted that the Raiders will have to pay $7.44 million for Palmer for the rest of this season.

The only thing that I can conclude based on this is that they don’t have eyes. I’ve seen Terrelle Pryor and Carson Palmer play QB. Pryor is a grossly inaccurate passer and Palmer lost all of his arm strength. It was a MIRACLE last season if he got through a game without throwing a pick-six. Not sure how this was better than signing Favre or like Jeff Garcia or Daunte Culpepper.

Asif: What gets me is that I don’t see how Kyle Boller is any worse than Carson Palmer, especially since Palmer hasn’t practiced in almost a year and hasn’t had any time to look at the Raiders’ playbook. I realize that the Raiders only run three plays: handoff to Darren McFadden, toss to Darren McFadden, and Jacoby Ford and Darius Heyward-Bey run go routes but, um, still…

Anyways, as promised, here are some grossly lopsided trades that are still less egregious than Palmer to the Raiders…

1. K-12 student trading a Hostess Cupcake for baby carrots.
2. A Walkman exchanged for a 2012 iPod Touch
3. The entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad for the occupants of the jail cells below Lincoln Financial Field.
4. A share of Google for a share of Sirius/XM
5. A Honus Wagner baseball card (nerd!) for a Julio Lugo card (baseball?!)
6. French fries for mixed greens with your burger (mixed greens suck and you know it)
7. Cheers era Kirstie Allie for Dancing With the Stars era Kirstie Allie
8. A piece of pizza for Reggie Bush (As my friend Brad pointed out, that Pizza Hut commercial is ironic…maybe the Raiders engineered the trade?)
9. $164 Billion for AOL
10.  David Lee Roth for Sammy Hagar
11. The original Star Wars trilogy for the new one
12. Jon Gruden for Bill Callahan (ouch)
13. Sylvester Stallone for Frank Stallone
14. A sandwich from a deli with Boars Head meat for one from Subway
15. Wisconsin cheese curds for Valveeta
16. A dry-aged New York Strip steak for a Hamburger Helper
17. Starring in movies to joining the cast of Celebrity Rehab
18. 1997-2008 Tiger Woods for 2009-2011 Tiger Woods
19. Bruce Willis for Ashton Kutcher
20. A toothache for AIDS (note: toothaches can be quite painful, this one might be more even than the Palmer trade)
21. A bag of footballs for Carson Palmer