8 Better Ways to Spend $69.95 than Buying Mayweather-Cotto

By Ryan GlasspiegelFollow Sports Rapport on Twitter

Sports fans are cheated until Floyd Mayweather fights Manny Paquaio. I don’t know and don’t really care whose fault it is but neither of them should get any of our money until the fight is consummated.

Mayweather continues to accuse Paquaio of using steroids. Via ESPN’s Brett Okamoto:

In a response that eventually drew applause from his entourage, Mayweather once again said it is “basic common sense” that Pacquiao has used performance-enhancing drugs and getting in the ring with him would be a risk to his future health.

“Health is more important than anything,” Mayweather said. “Because guess what? When my career is over, if I’m hurt because of something that has happened in a fight, I can’t come to you and say, ‘I need (money).’ “

Whether this is true or whether Mayweather is scared of losing his undefeated record really isn’t my concern. (Also, there is evidence in the above picture that Mayweather could be projecting steroids insecurities in a similar manner to outspoken anti-gay activists.) My concern is seeing the fight happen.

Mayweather and Pacquaio are both transcendent athletes with fascinating stylistic differences–Mayweather has impeccably quick footwork and an instinctual knowledge of where his opponents next dozen shots are coming from while Paquaio packs a punch so fast and so powerful that it defies one’s sensibilities of what humans are capable of when it comes from such a diminutive frame. The charade of their fighting patsy opponents needs to end–in a just universe, this weekend Mayweather and Paquaio would be fighting for the third time instead of continuing to posture.

So don’t spend the money. There are far better uses for your $69.95:

1. Buy a month of cable internet and a 12-pack of good beer.

With said internet connection, you can go to ATDHE and stream the fight for free. The beer and 30 remaining days of internet are pure profit. With this internet, there are lots of other cool things to do. Like, read Sports Rapport or watch porn–hopefully not at the same time.

You already HAVE an internet connection, you say? Well, here are other things you should be spending that money on.

2. A bottle of Pappy Van Winkle 15-year

Look at this beautiful libation! So exquisite.

Unfortunately, there’s a pretty good chance you’re not going to be able to find a bottle on such short notice. The best laid plans…

3. Pizza

There’s all sorts of directions you can go on this one. DiGiorno? Depending on the grocery store and if it’s on special, you can buy 10-12 of them and get your cholesterol intake for three months. Premium take-out? You can get at least two larges and a small, perhaps with some added cash left for some delicious appetizers. Somewhere in the middle? Pizza Hut has the 10-buck box. Or you could order any assortment of items from Domino’s, who just can’t resist the opportunity to let you know that today’s variety is nowhere near as shitty as it used to be.

4. 8.7547 months of Netflix streaming

Remember the hysteria when Netflix raised its rates? Which would you rather have, an hour of Floyd Mayweather dodging and wearing out an inferior opponent or endless streaming content with a new season of Arrested Development on the horizon?

5. Simoniz Fix It! Scratch Remover

For just $19.95, this almost definitely is not going to work. On the bright side, though, you’ll still have $50 left to spend on other As Seen on TV items like the ShamWow, Slap Chop, and OxiClean. Also, Floyd Mayweather won’t have any more of your money.

6. Lottery Tickets

You probably won’t become a multi-millionaire but you DEFINITELY won’t if you waste your money on a boxing match instead. With an expected return of $32.88 when the Powerball jackpot is $250 million, you’re still coming out ahead.

7. A ticket to a playoff hockey game

This is at least possible if you live within striking distance of St. Louis. The day before a game, we were able to get eight seats together on Stubhub at $66/ticket. The fights we got to see were better too!

Playoff hockey!

8. Flowers for your girlfriend/wife

Send them to her at work–with a note that says just because–and make all her female co-workers jealous. I personally guarantee a better ROI than you will receive from paying for this fight.

For my 2-3 lady readers, anything from #’s 2-4 + #’s 6-7 on this list will suffice as flowers’ equivalent for males.


Seriously, you guys, don’t buy this fight.

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One Response to 8 Better Ways to Spend $69.95 than Buying Mayweather-Cotto

  1. Dale says:

    hahaha

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